slowly learning

To keep my big mouth shut

Not aiming my anger at the ones closest to me

Drink less, or more wisely. I AM realising when to slow down lately

Don't become used by my friends because I think they might appreciate it if I help them out, because lets face it, they rarely ever do
Know who my real friends are
Appreciate what i have
Love the only guy thats ever cared for me this much
Laugh everything off thats not worth caring about
Stop worrying about silly little things
Stop thinking about what could have been and just be happy with what is and will be.

I will never learn. I need to learn.
And if I dont, I will surely lose everything thats ever had a shred of meaning to me.

Something new and fresh...

I'm finally here, Independent and so far away. I really thought I would be really sad about leaving home, I thought that I would feel guilty. But I really don't at all. I actually feel free. I feel like this is one of the best decisions I've ever made!
My room is so perfect! Like Jess said, its like it was meant for me and all my shit, lol. I just want people to come visit now. And I want to get a job, hopefully I hear back soon...
Jess makes me so happy, I don't know how I lived without her for that year when we didn't talk. I'm glad I got this opportunity, Jess is one of the only people that I think I can live with without any problems or worries.
She's so fucking funny!!
Anyway in conclusion I feel content.

Nostalgic

Annoyed, angry or depressed? my emotions all blend into one these days.

I hate that I'm not as close to certain people as I used to be.

I hate that I feel like I appreciate allot of people so much more than they appreciate me. Do my friends miss me as much as I miss them? 

I can be jealous I guess thats what this comes down to.

I just miss old times, when my friends were my friends. When they actually wanted to hang out and have fun with me. But is that the price you pay for being in a relationship?

I hate that I have to be attached to someone. That I do this to myself, I could easily go hang out with friends and it could be like old times, but something holds me back. And i know its not him at all thats doing it, it's entirely me. He wants me to go do things! But then again it would be me making all the effort with most of those people. I don't even know why I bothered.

Maybe I am clingy. Maybe I should get out more.

I'm a shadow of my former self. I'm losing myself and its all my doing.

Maybe things other than location need to change. Something is wrong with me, I'm just not entirely sure what it is. I would fix it otherwise.

Maybe I need to have some fun? Show my friends how much they mean to me?

Why do people have to make things so hard?

I'm trying to make a fresh start, get myself organised. I need to do this, moving out. I have no where to practice tattooing, no where to paint and draw. I practically live in a shoe box, thats the 1 day a week I am actually home. I'm finding it so hard to get a job anywhere because my life is so split apart... Why did mum have to let me know she doesn't want me to leave. 

And its so far away... and hour from home, from Leigh, from the City...

I'm going to have to just suck it up. Deal with it and get it done.

i feel sick

Today was one of the hardest days of my life, why did you make us say goodbye to you so soon. You had so much potential, you were so full of life. You were an amazing human being. I'm so sorry that you needed to leave us. Every single person that was at your funeral today loved you. Whether they new you for a day or for a decade.

I've know you since you were year seven. Why didn't you ever tell me you went to Aldercourt? All this time i thought you just went to Rowellyn... Maybe that's a memory that hasn't come back to me yet.
Remember when I got really upset and you and Sam came and picked me up from Frankston because everyone was being arseholes that night, and you drove because Sam knew I needed her help but she was too drunk to drive, and you didnt even have your license yet lol.

Ohhh and I was looking at my graduation T shirt, knowing that you wrote on it, searching all over it then hanging it back up dissapointed, only to see "KELSO WAS HERE '06" scribbled right in the middle, made me smile :).

You know I finally got to cry to day, in the most public of all places. Sorry, I know you wouldn't have wanted that. I wish I could have got one last hug off you...

I can't begin to imagine what you were feeling, you must have been struggling, but in a way i am glad that you're not hurting anymore.
Love you Ash... rest in peace xo.

homesick

So I'm the biggest sook in the world by saying this

But I am scared shitless of change, It doesn't occur to me whether the change is good or bad, it still terrifies me.

I have the choice of either getting up off my arse and getting my life together, or just keep doing what I'm doing, wasting my days at Leigh's house waiting for him to get home. Living off Centrelink and having to worry about problems with them all the time!

But by getting off my arse I will have to pack up my whole life and move it to an hour away from anywhere (some say it takes half an hour to get to Bundoora from there, but I'm not so sure). And in doing so i will have to get a job that will entail full time work, Monday to Friday, 8 hour shifts. 

When will I have time for anything! I wont hardly get to see my Mum and Brandon, which means I'll never have time for anyone else down there. And I'm not good with early mornings...

But I guess we all have to make sacrifices for the greater cause. If i don't see this through i will never have anywhere to make my folio, I'll keep procrastinating on it like i have been since Christmas, I wont ever end up getting a job (as each day passes by it means a less likely chance of being hired, no one wants someone thats been out of work this long :|), and I'll be stuck, in this enormous rut that I've gotten myself into.

So I guess I really don't have a choice... I think I'm overreacting a little bit (although i can't help it). I need to do this, and its going to take ALL of my will power to get it done.

I cant even bring Selene with me though :(

smile like you mean it

I dont know what to do with myself. 

People must think I'm a fucking idiot for feeling this way, but only a few people would know that even though I havent seen Ash in god knows how long doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore, and it doesnt take away the fact that we were close once upon a time.

I'm actually in shock still after finding out Monday morning, a message from Sam Jesson saying "ash cane is dead!".. at first i didnt believe it, why would she say something like that! but I was wrong, it was very true.

Since then, i've been trying so hard to remember times with him that stood out. I'm so envious of the people that can remember such good things about him, and all the memories that i have with him are all blended together, and some of it i even question whether it was him that was a part of that memory.

Things have been slowly coming back to me, i remember when he got his nose pierced, when sam and i used to go to his house (i still cant remember why, and i can remember everything but his bedroom...) The times we used to say we had a free but just wag class and hang out in the VCE centre all day, The first time id sprained my fingers in year 10 when i was trying to steal his cheese and bacon balls and his hand got in the way... I had to make my mouse left handed in multimedia!

I haven't been able to cry yet, believe me I've tried. the last two nights have been restless or sleepless and i find that no matter how many distractions i give myself, my mind always drifts back to him.

Its such a surreal feeling, losing someone this close. And under such tragic circumstances. 

Fridays going to be really hard, not just for me, for the huge amount of people that he touched with his amazing charisma and that smile of his.

It hurts so much

I will never forget you Ash