I dont know what to do with myself.
People must think I'm a fucking idiot for feeling this way, but only a few people would know that even though I havent seen Ash in god knows how long doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore, and it doesnt take away the fact that we were close once upon a time.
I'm actually in shock still after finding out Monday morning, a message from Sam Jesson saying "ash cane is dead!".. at first i didnt believe it, why would she say something like that! but I was wrong, it was very true.
Since then, i've been trying so hard to remember times with him that stood out. I'm so envious of the people that can remember such good things about him, and all the memories that i have with him are all blended together, and some of it i even question whether it was him that was a part of that memory.
Things have been slowly coming back to me, i remember when he got his nose pierced, when sam and i used to go to his house (i still cant remember why, and i can remember everything but his bedroom...) The times we used to say we had a free but just wag class and hang out in the VCE centre all day, The first time id sprained my fingers in year 10 when i was trying to steal his cheese and bacon balls and his hand got in the way... I had to make my mouse left handed in multimedia!
I haven't been able to cry yet, believe me I've tried. the last two nights have been restless or sleepless and i find that no matter how many distractions i give myself, my mind always drifts back to him.
Its such a surreal feeling, losing someone this close. And under such tragic circumstances.
Fridays going to be really hard, not just for me, for the huge amount of people that he touched with his amazing charisma and that smile of his.
It hurts so much
I will never forget you Ash
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